This is Love

This Is Love–Lyrics by Anime Lyrics dot Com

I was sitting in class one day trying to focus on the class lecture. I was bored out of my mind but interested. I was engaged but distracted. That day I felt like dancing; I wanted to sing. During breaks, I went outside and felt the energy of the world sync with my heart, and from there I recognized combinations of plants I had never seen before; I started reading the oasis created by the walls of my department building. I approached a fork in the sidewalk and felt a pull in two directions: that which I thought was familiar, and one which was empty and vacuous but foreign. Initially I went the empty route, but circled around back to what I thought was familiar. In reality it was actually an area I had never traversed, with a spirit I hadn’t noticed before.  I know that moments like these are beautiful but potentially painful.

For me It’s the moment of the first splash which proceeds to fill the emptiness.  It is very similar to the initial spark, the release of tension, or waking up to sunshine in the morning, or coming up for air after swimming, or the refresh of moisture after being stranded in a desert, or the awakening which follows leaving a cold room and entering into warmth; It’s a state of revelry as one is in anticipation, something my body detects in harmony with emotions, but escapes the mind; perhaps a part of It is what the Germans call vorfreude, which has no true translating in English. Or perhaps I am completely out of sync of time entirely, and I am passing a crossroad of possibility. It is Love.

I remember this feeling from before my long term relationship with my current ex-boyfriend. It was one of the most creative times of my life: some of my most potent poetry was publish in the school literary journal, I played my guitar A LOT, and I painted a number of abstract art pieces. 7 years later, I am more in sync with my body, and I have the urge to dance in the wind to the songs of nature’s untamed echoes. This, what I feel now and what I felt before, is Love. This is MY Love, and I am so grateful to be able to recognize it.

But exactly how did I come to learn of this? How did I come to recognize this feeling? I felt it once, and I had blindly sought it out. Instead, I tasted the initial sweet pleasures of the body to only have it become pungently bitter with expedient and psychologically jarring circumscribing acts leading to separation. There was no creative high. There was no desire to create a new song. Perhaps it was simply passion which I felt, but having experienced it again now, I know that it was not the divinely inspired Love I am experiencing now. Perhaps a lesser form, love. Compassion, perhaps, but not Love.

What’s worse is that the feelings for the guy who has caught my eye, again, snuck up on me as my ex did many years ago. “Nah, not my type,” I said, and dismissed him. This reaction, brings up two very dangerous things that I MUST address in some form or fashion if I’m going to maintain any level of self approval. That I recognize a pattern in and of itself brings a concern, a fear of repeat actions made more pointed in a long term relationship devoid of wisdom: betrayal. The betrayal of having your beloved lust after another woman, the betrayal of being forgotten meetings just to “hang out with the boys,” the betrayal of silence, the betrayal of possession. Do I really want to go down this path again? I have already fell into my normal habit of dismissal, so how many more of the childish demons which I have not yet exercised will affect relationships I try to nurture? Even if I should choose to pursue him, I know the pangs of unrequited love all to well. Should I even bother with the discussion?

The second issue is how many people actually know what Love is? Do they really realize what their preferred love type is? Do they pay attention enough to realize it? Do they know what it is that they prefer and actually need–spiritually and psychologically– when they have only relied on the guidance of books, friends, and family? To even answer the first question, one has to experience, and yet even I at times yearn for the virgin view of the world; how could I in good conscious say “Go out there and find out what you need by trying to love and find people to reciprocate that love?” Throughout the past two years, I’ve had both dubious and dangerous encounters with sketchy people…I’m a risk taker, I’ve been there, and even I wouldn’t advise anyone tread down that path.

The only thing of solace that I can offer you in light of this is a prayer that I recently formulated in meditation of a certain passage of the Quran (Surah 2:10-22 ish) with a little guidance from a Pakistani friend (Sufi mentor) of mine in the United Kingdom.

Entreat whatever deity you want…for I essentially inserted some elements of polytheism within the structure of the prayer, even though it is founded upon monotheistic scripture. Consider it a wrinkle in space that makes it multipurpose:

When the lightning flash, may it blind me.
When the thunder rolls, let it resonate within me.
Sharpen my intuitive senses and knowing
that [I may walk a path of true innovation innately
for the holistic advancement of mankind, aligned with your will,]

and that I may come to know the true virtue of Love
and its expressions in accordance to my true nature.

For those who are not really into the idea of being a slave or vessel for the necessity of man; you can omit the portion in bold.

The idea behind this prayer is that, if you have confidence in your very existence and experience being efficient, whatever experience you NEED to experience will experienced. So don’t be a slave to your mind as I was; if you feel a pull towards a certain path at a crossroads, be brave and follow it. You never know what you may learn.

 

 

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Sigil to Act Lovingly and Kindly

This is probably one of the first sigils that I made in my love sigil series. The full statement of intent is to intentionally acting lovingly and kindly to one another. The key here is that you can never force someone to love you, but one can make a conscious decision to be diplomatic to the other. Another way to look at it: it will teach you how to act in such a way and reveal reasons why. Its one of those transformative sigils for the long run. It was also used in the Unhinging Attachments cluster.

 

Sigil for Unhinging Attachments

Once upon a time, I had pretty unhealthy emotional attachments to a Romanian jerk (v. 1.0) who was pretty much just using me, a friend of mine who I was having some friendship issues with that I wanted to reconcile, and another friend of mine who is now my roommate.

This sigil was part of a 7-10 sigil cluster, and the unique aspect of it lies more so in how it was constructed rather than necessarily what it does (though it’s effects are powerful). The statement of intent: Interdependent habits that cause emotional or psychological distress are disrupted and removed. I haven’t used this sigil alone, but as a cluster, it was very effective.

The result: After charging the sigil cluster, I felt a haze in my head. I met a frenemy randomly on the street, who I suppose was able to feel some of the magical aftermath. I am currently not talking to the Romanian jerk v 1.0, and I have connections with my old friend, but now I’m on the rocks with a mutual friend of ours. And of course, my current roommate and I reconciled.

Sigil to be Open to Giving and Receiving Love

One day, I was feeling really angry with my love life, and I was determined to just push everyone away. However, in that moment, I knew that even more so it was important for me to remain open to giving and receiving love. And so, I create a sigil to get me out of my funk.

To get an idea of the intention behind this sigil, recall that one episode when Dinobot was about to go into stasis mode and he overrode the command. I similarly bypassing that tendency towards resentment and repulsion, isolation, with this sigil:

I hope that it helps you in the long run as well. 

Love Matters

Fan art by Pink

“Choose someone who will be there for you…”

The fact of the matter is, I’m most certainly a romantic, but I am also not someone who talks about things easily. So whenever I go through something that I consider to be weird, I am genuinely surprised at other’s nonchalant response. From everything to my health, to my love life, to my magical practice, which are all intimately interwoven, I constantly remind myself that I’m not crazy, and I’m reminded that I’m not crazy each and every time I suffer. This portion of this blog is to talk about the in’s and out’s of my love life and every peripheral element related to it, to remind myself that I’m very sane, though different, and to perhaps explore the threshold of acceptability with others, men and women.

One of my most recent and interesting discovery relates to a conflict between my odd preference, a relational archetype if you will, and a couple of key prophetic things I was told by the Old Hermit himself, my father.

A long time ago I was told that I would get to choose my husband…which in hindsight isn’t too surprising given that I’m a woman. Or perhaps, it is more surprising in that in order to chose, there must first be choices. Huh. Look at that I discovered something new.

Anyways, he also told me to be wary: “Choose someone who will be there for you,” he said. Meanwhile, I have found myself natally predisposed with a preference for men who are from afar, if not men who are afar. They tend have Jovian and Solar essences vomited upon them. In the former case, Jupiter’s crown has made them either intelligent and expansive with an almost militant air of the academy weighted on their shoulders, or  dutiful and pious with the smoke of incense swarming about them, usually incognito with cigarettes,  for in the latter case they normally have trouble discerning right from wrong, choosing between their needs and the needs of others, being faced with the choice of disturbing the system or being a martyr. Those who don the Solar helm are a lot more easy going, but are always prepared for battle; they may also be found wading through academe waters, but they are creating, figuring out ways to make sand castles weather the turbulence of the sea. They are mentally brilliant.

Between those marked by Jupiter and those marked by the Sun, I have found the solar men to be more accepting to who I am, though I often prefer the martyr-like people who initially hate me because of my practice, for I admire their devotion which I see riddled with ceremonial magic and ritualized practice.

Both Jovian and Solar homedudes are usually far away; sometimes not from my country, sometimes with a foreign heritage but citizens, sometimes someone from a different state.

In addition to my weird ass love life, I will also be writing about my health. Because…let’s face it, I don’t always trust doctors, but at the same time, my physical and mental health are important to me. My health is a reflection of how I see myself. And how I see myself is sometimes projected to those who I am attracted to. What I am able to discern about how I physically respond to illness or stress is equivalent to the process of understanding myself and accepting my body. This in turn has run counter to the views and expectations of men, usually because its not always the body that I fall in love with; I don’t need to see anyone’s eyes, I just feel. Maybe that’s my being a woman, or maybe that something different, I’ll let you decide.

In any case, I hope you enjoy this new portion of my blog. I think it will also put some of the sigils I am making for public use into proper context.

 

 

5 of spades

Numerical Value: 5
Key Concepts: Pain, cuts, ending, loss

 

Knives. Sharp objects. Razors. These are all 5 of spades objects, and you can imagine that even in a subjective and abstract sense, it indicates a special level of aggression and pain that has yet been expressed in any of the playing cards so far. The stagnation of the 4 of spades is met with force; a technical kind of force and ruthlessness in which the the individual either walks away to start anew and do their own thing, or forceably corrects the obstacles with their own tactics. Either or way, with the 5 of spades, SOMETHING is going to hurt.

In love and relationships the 5 of spades can represent a nasty break up or divorce. At work it can represent either being fired or quitting a job where there was a lot of attachments (whether positive or negative), sometimes without much of a back up. With money, the 5 of spades can represent emergency expenditures or expenses that may not be recuperated or may be completely and utterly inconvenient. Even if there is no actual tangible recourse, then one can expect the negative emotions present in the 3 of spades to amplify into anger, or worst with the 5 of spades.

It is not a pretty card.

If you’re interested in purchasing a reading from me, visit here.

5 of diamonds

Numerical Value: 5
Key Concepts: Research, acquisition, remix, expression

The 4 or diamonds gave us assurance of what is real: data, facts, that which can be touched and measured.  It gave us security in the accumulation of the money in our accounts, in the value of the check handed to us. The 5 of diamonds takes these certainties, looks us dead serious in the eyes, and laughs at us for foolishly thinking that was all there was. Who cares about facts? They mean nothing without context and situation, and you can’t live on the same data alone; information decays and needs a refresher.  Who cares about money? You’re not going to be able to take it with you when you die, and while you are living the value of your money is subject to flux. Medicine is just one dose away from being poison, and poison is one milliliter away from being medicine.

Thus the 5 of diamonds is about pushing the limits of what’s real and original, like a remix. It represents the transfer of information by any means, including through technological means.  In terms of health, it can mean changing one’s diet, and the human body in general. In terms of work, it can represent sharing information with coworkers, the process of purchasing items and supplies, tools, equipment, or instruments used in writing, speaking, or creating music. In love, it can tell about the connections that are not readily apparent about a relationship. Finally, in money, it can represent the flow of money going in or out, without restraint or order.

If you’re interested in purchasing a reading from me, visit here.

5 of clubs

Numerical Value: 5
Key Concepts: Work, Aggravation, Labor

The 5 of clubs can be a pretty aggressive card. Yes, sure, the song, Work Bitch, sexualizes the concept of work, but the fervor, the grit associated with the 5 of clubs is not fun and sexy at all (unless, maybe the 3 or 5 of hearts is in the spread). In one’s professional life, the 5 of clubs indicates that the time of planning is OVER and now is the time for work. The time for laying down, and letting things go as they have is over, and now is the time to get into guerrilla warfare!..or at least prepare for a heated argument. In money matters, the card can indicate making money through labor or working with one’s hands. If there are hearts nearby, it could indicate an artist hard at work. The 5 of clubs is also a time card for “soon” or within a week or so.

If you’re interested in purchasing a reading from me, visit here.