This is Love

This Is Love–Lyrics by Anime Lyrics dot Com

I was sitting in class one day trying to focus on the class lecture. I was bored out of my mind but interested. I was engaged but distracted. That day I felt like dancing; I wanted to sing. During breaks, I went outside and felt the energy of the world sync with my heart, and from there I recognized combinations of plants I had never seen before; I started reading the oasis created by the walls of my department building. I approached a fork in the sidewalk and felt a pull in two directions: that which I thought was familiar, and one which was empty and vacuous but foreign. Initially I went the empty route, but circled around back to what I thought was familiar. In reality it was actually an area I had never traversed, with a spirit I hadn’t noticed before.  I know that moments like these are beautiful but potentially painful.

For me It’s the moment of the first splash which proceeds to fill the emptiness.  It is very similar to the initial spark, the release of tension, or waking up to sunshine in the morning, or coming up for air after swimming, or the refresh of moisture after being stranded in a desert, or the awakening which follows leaving a cold room and entering into warmth; It’s a state of revelry as one is in anticipation, something my body detects in harmony with emotions, but escapes the mind; perhaps a part of It is what the Germans call vorfreude, which has no true translating in English. Or perhaps I am completely out of sync of time entirely, and I am passing a crossroad of possibility. It is Love.

I remember this feeling from before my long term relationship with my current ex-boyfriend. It was one of the most creative times of my life: some of my most potent poetry was publish in the school literary journal, I played my guitar A LOT, and I painted a number of abstract art pieces. 7 years later, I am more in sync with my body, and I have the urge to dance in the wind to the songs of nature’s untamed echoes. This, what I feel now and what I felt before, is Love. This is MY Love, and I am so grateful to be able to recognize it.

But exactly how did I come to learn of this? How did I come to recognize this feeling? I felt it once, and I had blindly sought it out. Instead, I tasted the initial sweet pleasures of the body to only have it become pungently bitter with expedient and psychologically jarring circumscribing acts leading to separation. There was no creative high. There was no desire to create a new song. Perhaps it was simply passion which I felt, but having experienced it again now, I know that it was not the divinely inspired Love I am experiencing now. Perhaps a lesser form, love. Compassion, perhaps, but not Love.

What’s worse is that the feelings for the guy who has caught my eye, again, snuck up on me as my ex did many years ago. “Nah, not my type,” I said, and dismissed him. This reaction, brings up two very dangerous things that I MUST address in some form or fashion if I’m going to maintain any level of self approval. That I recognize a pattern in and of itself brings a concern, a fear of repeat actions made more pointed in a long term relationship devoid of wisdom: betrayal. The betrayal of having your beloved lust after another woman, the betrayal of being forgotten meetings just to “hang out with the boys,” the betrayal of silence, the betrayal of possession. Do I really want to go down this path again? I have already fell into my normal habit of dismissal, so how many more of the childish demons which I have not yet exercised will affect relationships I try to nurture? Even if I should choose to pursue him, I know the pangs of unrequited love all to well. Should I even bother with the discussion?

The second issue is how many people actually know what Love is? Do they really realize what their preferred love type is? Do they pay attention enough to realize it? Do they know what it is that they prefer and actually need–spiritually and psychologically– when they have only relied on the guidance of books, friends, and family? To even answer the first question, one has to experience, and yet even I at times yearn for the virgin view of the world; how could I in good conscious say “Go out there and find out what you need by trying to love and find people to reciprocate that love?” Throughout the past two years, I’ve had both dubious and dangerous encounters with sketchy people…I’m a risk taker, I’ve been there, and even I wouldn’t advise anyone tread down that path.

The only thing of solace that I can offer you in light of this is a prayer that I recently formulated in meditation of a certain passage of the Quran (Surah 2:10-22 ish) with a little guidance from a Pakistani friend (Sufi mentor) of mine in the United Kingdom.

Entreat whatever deity you want…for I essentially inserted some elements of polytheism within the structure of the prayer, even though it is founded upon monotheistic scripture. Consider it a wrinkle in space that makes it multipurpose:

When the lightning flash, may it blind me.
When the thunder rolls, let it resonate within me.
Sharpen my intuitive senses and knowing
that [I may walk a path of true innovation innately
for the holistic advancement of mankind, aligned with your will,]

and that I may come to know the true virtue of Love
and its expressions in accordance to my true nature.

For those who are not really into the idea of being a slave or vessel for the necessity of man; you can omit the portion in bold.

The idea behind this prayer is that, if you have confidence in your very existence and experience being efficient, whatever experience you NEED to experience will experienced. So don’t be a slave to your mind as I was; if you feel a pull towards a certain path at a crossroads, be brave and follow it. You never know what you may learn.




Sigil to Act Lovingly and Kindly

This is probably one of the first sigils that I made in my love sigil series. The full statement of intent is to intentionally acting lovingly and kindly to one another. The key here is that you can never force someone to love you, but one can make a conscious decision to be diplomatic to the other. Another way to look at it: it will teach you how to act in such a way and reveal reasons why. Its one of those transformative sigils for the long run. It was also used in the Unhinging Attachments cluster.


Love Matters

Fan art by Pink

“Choose someone who will be there for you…”

The fact of the matter is, I’m most certainly a romantic, but I am also not someone who talks about things easily. So whenever I go through something that I consider to be weird, I am genuinely surprised at other’s nonchalant response. From everything to my health, to my love life, to my magical practice, which are all intimately interwoven, I constantly remind myself that I’m not crazy, and I’m reminded that I’m not crazy each and every time I suffer. This portion of this blog is to talk about the in’s and out’s of my love life and every peripheral element related to it, to remind myself that I’m very sane, though different, and to perhaps explore the threshold of acceptability with others, men and women.

One of my most recent and interesting discovery relates to a conflict between my odd preference, a relational archetype if you will, and a couple of key prophetic things I was told by the Old Hermit himself, my father.

A long time ago I was told that I would get to choose my husband…which in hindsight isn’t too surprising given that I’m a woman. Or perhaps, it is more surprising in that in order to chose, there must first be choices. Huh. Look at that I discovered something new.

Anyways, he also told me to be wary: “Choose someone who will be there for you,” he said. Meanwhile, I have found myself natally predisposed with a preference for men who are from afar, if not men who are afar. They tend have Jovian and Solar essences vomited upon them. In the former case, Jupiter’s crown has made them either intelligent and expansive with an almost militant air of the academy weighted on their shoulders, or  dutiful and pious with the smoke of incense swarming about them, usually incognito with cigarettes,  for in the latter case they normally have trouble discerning right from wrong, choosing between their needs and the needs of others, being faced with the choice of disturbing the system or being a martyr. Those who don the Solar helm are a lot more easy going, but are always prepared for battle; they may also be found wading through academe waters, but they are creating, figuring out ways to make sand castles weather the turbulence of the sea. They are mentally brilliant.

Between those marked by Jupiter and those marked by the Sun, I have found the solar men to be more accepting to who I am, though I often prefer the martyr-like people who initially hate me because of my practice, for I admire their devotion which I see riddled with ceremonial magic and ritualized practice.

Both Jovian and Solar homedudes are usually far away; sometimes not from my country, sometimes with a foreign heritage but citizens, sometimes someone from a different state.

In addition to my weird ass love life, I will also be writing about my health. Because…let’s face it, I don’t always trust doctors, but at the same time, my physical and mental health are important to me. My health is a reflection of how I see myself. And how I see myself is sometimes projected to those who I am attracted to. What I am able to discern about how I physically respond to illness or stress is equivalent to the process of understanding myself and accepting my body. This in turn has run counter to the views and expectations of men, usually because its not always the body that I fall in love with; I don’t need to see anyone’s eyes, I just feel. Maybe that’s my being a woman, or maybe that something different, I’ll let you decide.

In any case, I hope you enjoy this new portion of my blog. I think it will also put some of the sigils I am making for public use into proper context.



What’s Going On? What’s New?

A lot is changing, but I’m still doing my own thing ❤

I’m about 10 days until the end of Ramadan, and I think this has been one of the most enriching spiritual experiences I’ve had in a very long time. I’ll definitely write about it soon!

Apart from that, there are a couple of other things that are in the works:

  1. Collaboration with other magical practitioners. Within the upcoming month or so, I will be collaborating with one or two other magicians from around the United States in offering magical services. With that, you can expect a number of other magical products and services to pop up under my menu. Also check out my Facebook page for testimonials on other magical operations and readings I’ve done in the past.
  2. Freebies and the release of Haniel materials! I’ve talked about it for the past couple of months, but I now have enough materials to actually share with you. These will be free for your use. 🙂
  3. Resuming cartomancy lessons HERE. Within the next few weeks I intend to complete my dictionary for reading playing cards, and I will also have classes and mentoring opportunities available to those who want to learn to read playing cards.

Is there something in particular that you would like to see explored further on my blog? Let me know in the comments! Until then, be at peace!